In the fall of last year, I found myself playing the role of lead actor in a devastating performance—The Decline and Fall of Daniel Bunn. On one night, I noticed water seeping through the metaphorical walls. Then, before I knew it, the whole structure had collapsed. I was sinking, drowning.The next morning, I hiked up the Mount Lowe trail, in the San Gabriel Mountains, in order to think about how the story would proceed. Then, I came to a somber, scandalous realization: I needed to murder Daniel Bunn, if Daniel Bunn was to survive. I had to pull everything apart at the seams, burn it all down. So I did.
He squirmed, at first, as I held him around the throat. He kicked, he screamed, he threatened. But I held on tightly. In the end, he was quiet. I decided to burn his remains.
I watched in agony, for I had come to know him so well. I had gotten comfortable with his quirks. I learned to deal with his weaknesses. He had put up a convincing front in order to fool everyone else around him. But deep down, he never convinced me. So at once I mourned his passing, even while I knew it was cause for celebration.
This season in my life has been painful. Like the anticipation of the scalpel, I feared the pain of the needed operation. But I had been forced to recognize the malignancy of the tumor. It was now life or death—either I go forward with the operation, and all the pain it will entail, or I watch as everything dear to me dies away.
In the process, something astounding has happened. I watched the ashy remains carefully; I noticed some movement. Then, where there seemed to be death, new life came forward. Resurrection.
I have watched the incision begin to heal. I will always walk with a limp, but thank God I will be walking.
I have come to understand grace and love better. I had held on to shallow understandings of both of these concepts. But I now see how devastating, how life-wrecking, how healing and restoring they are.
One of the major steps in this process has been a fundamental redefinition of how I relate to people. Previously, I was quite active on social media—for better and for worse. Now, I am working to invest my time more deeply and meaningfully in fewer, more important people in my life.
But I have found in the process that I really do value having a place to share my thoughts as well as hear yours. The journey of discovery is highly meaningful to me.
So on that note, I have decided to start a blog. Yeah, that’s trite, I know. But I guess that’s O.K. I do not yet know what this will look like, but am eager to share the process.